House of Galih Satriaji in Friendster

It’s end my dear man. Wish that this is the real end. Not really as i hope before, but it’s ok. I’ll pay the price. Wish tomorrow is a new day for me.

Even if this story which I’ve been writing here is almost reach its end, I’m not sure that it will be ending with happy ending or sad ending. Maybe it will be an endless story. But just let you know that the one who write this painfull writing in this blog is not actually his true feeling that he feels. He seems to pretend as many characters in the dramatic act he has made for himself. The true identity is unknown, even by himself too. It’s too complicated to describe what the identity is. Sometimes he acts as a brave man, sometimes he acts as the one who doesn’t need a woman at all, but sometimes he also cries, feels mellow-yellow more than girls can do. Somebody ever try to suggest, "be yourself, young man!". But he thinks that, the time doesn’t come yet to show his real identity and personality. Only few people know the truth, including the woman who makes him crazy just like this.

Well, I just get many things to learn in this long journey — growing with my never-come-true dream. I’ve just realized that I’ve spent 3,5 years useless time when I graduate from my campus and get my first degree (say what? yeah… you can say Bas.Kom or Sarjana Kompor!). One of them is: love is always destroy a sincere friendship. Once you want to make her to be yours, it’s your best bet though. Just prepare to lost her as your best friend. You said, "be my girl", "you are my sunshine, I can’t live without you at my side", "I can’t help feeling this way to love you", "I feel like I can be a hero that save the world because of you" or something bullshit sentences like that. There’s exactly no problem if she said yes and accept you. But what if she thinks that you are too good for her? And it will be better your you to continue the relationship only as friend?

Maybe this was my mistake. Why I had decided to express my real feeling to her 3,5 years ago? I didn’t know shit, but I just couldn’t help my feeling. Many things I did to maintain our friendship after her refusal. But… I just couldn’t pretend to myself that I could back to the time when I saw her as one of my best friend. No I couldn’t! I always see her as my queen of my heart and ignore the fact that actually I just play with my dream. No more than that! Even by the time flew, she much closer to me than before the time when I said "I love you" to her, but I always dream that it would be better if this happened without my feeling, my hope. I dreamt this relationship as clean as white paper, as clean as white snow falling in the winter time (I write this seem like I’ve known the snow :p). But I realized: It was just impossible.

But I’m never regret with my decision. I have to pay the price. I’ll never regret that I’ve been loving her so much even it only painfull dream. Because I’ve choosen her as the one who gave me pain. I’ve choosen her as my queen of my heart forever. I’ve choosen her as my first love. There’s no reason to hate her because of it. There’s also no reason to let me down in this blue.

I still have a lot of things to do.
I wanna fall in love again with another woman.

and finally..

I have to close this story and born in this world as my real personality. When will I do this? I still don’t know yet, the time will answer this question. You can see in my next posting. Just stay tuned… *halah..*

PS: Why did I write this blog in English? Just in order to make it difficult to read (you know how bad my English is). I wanted to express my emotion, especially my love story, but I also didn’t want to everybody know it. Does it sound contradictive? Yeah… just because of this contradiction I’ve written these posts in English. Enjoy yourself! ta..taa ^__^

Seuntai Bunga Tanda Cinta

Telah kuterima, suratmu… yang lama kuduga dahulu
Memang ku merasa diriku sangat hina
Pastilah kau akan menolakku

Selamat menempuh hidup baru dengan kasihmu
Aku relakan nasibku sudah begini
Terimalah seuntai bunga sebagai tanda kasih
Kasih yang suci, padamu sayang…

Usah risaukan diriku… anggaplah awan yang lalu
Memang seharusnya kutidak mencintaimu
yang kini tak henti menyiksa diri..

I know, I must sing this song someday, yet in her wedding ceremony or not. And maybe, if the situation just same as before, I’ll cry. It’s not about falling in love anymore but an obsession. Bad obsession though. But thanks God, at this time I have a chance to be getting out from this jail. Because of an missunderstanding (again), we just fight one more time. This time, I can see what actually my position is. This point of view makes me so lazy to fix the situation in order to make everything gets better.

Yeah, the situation never come back to right state just like before. Maybe she’s also give up with me. She’s showing a brand new her. We just talk each other not as brother and sister any more — it has a bad effect for me, I can stop loving her because of this — but we just like meet each other not so long time we have a friendship.

I hope this new state will make me get better. I hope I can immediately get out from the blue. And what I waiting for: I can fall in love again with another woman! Nice to meet your another side of you, Int!