House of Galih Satriaji in Friendster

Plaza Kalibata, Jakarta, 23 Desember 2006

Hari itu aku baru saja memasukkan si Tornado tua ke bengkel Suzuki di Cawang situ. Maklum, motor tua mesti sering-sering dicek mesinnya. Yeah.. kami melanjutkan kemesraan masa-masa SMA dan kuliah dengan berdua di Jakarta lagi. Seandainya ia milikku, aku takkan mau menjualnya karena alasan apapun. Pulang dari bengkel sudah sore, dan ada sesuatu yang membuatku merayakan dan mensyukuri apa yang baru saja kudapat.

Akhirnya aku memilih KFC Plaza Kalibata. Sejak awal aku ingin sekali makan di balkon-nya yang menghadap Jalan Taman Makam Pahlawan Nasional Kalibata yang tak terlalu macet. Di situ duduk sendirian… memandang kiri kanan, muda-mudi cowok-cewek kelihatannya riang duduk berdua. Busyet! Salah pilih tempat neh! Jangan pernah ke KFC sendirian! Itu pesan moralnya,

Ah, bukan perasaan kesepian karena tak ada mata indah yang seharusnya berbinar di depanku, dengan mulut penuh ayam goreng junk food dan bercanda tak tentu yang membuatku terharu. Di tengah perasaan sepi yang melanda itu, ada anak kecil — berwajah bersih dan lugu — menjajakan koran ke meja-meja pengunjung KFC. Melihat wajah lugu namun tetap kelihatan ceria meskipun tak ada yang membeli koran sore yang dijajakannya, mataku tiba-tiba berkaca-kaca….

Ya Allah… begitu besar anugerah yang Engkau berikan kepadaku…
hingga aku bisa duduk di sini, dengan kepala yang sering terangkat dengan sombongnya…
Ya Allah.. masih begitu banyak orang-orang yang tidak seberuntung diriku…
Namun.. aku masih saja sering lupa untuk mengagungkan nama-Mu..

Maafkan aku Ya Allah….

I can’t imagine how fast time flows. I don’t beleive that we are almost leaving the holy month Ramadhan 1427 H. At this time, I’ve alrady in my hometown, Tulungagung. There’s no place which have wonderfull atmosphere just like Tulungagung does. The weather is not too hot. Still have the clean air, the fresh air, no polution here. You can still feel how smooth the wind touch you, feel its fresh and take a deep breath…. hmmmmmmmmm…..

Taqaballahu mina wa minkum,
Taqabal yaa kariim
Minal Aidin wal faizin,
Happy Idul Fitri Day 1426 H, Pleaze accept my apology if I do any mistakes to you…

Galih Satriaji, — in the middle of nowhere

Struggle to recover from old-pain-love suffering is a hard work. It is almost impossible mission if your queen is still arround you. Eventhough I can start to do this in the right way, I’m just a man whose romantic feel I can’t help. It is really-really need a huge of concretation. Almost in my free time, she always there, right here in my mind. Can you imagine what you feel if when you are thinking about her, suddendly your phone ring and there is a short message or even missed call on your phone, exactly from the one you are thinking about!

A friend suggested to play a little harder. I should say that I don’t want to accept anything from her indeed. Rigid. I should never take care of her anymore if I really want to recover from the pain. I’ve said to that friend, "I can’t!" I can’t do in contrary with what a heck I usually do. They suggested any "medical care" easily, but they didn’t know who I am inside. I don’t only want to recover as soon as possible but also want to keep this beautifull pain as long as possible. In a simpler word, the solution is acceptable if it is natural, not because I ask her to get away from me.

What a damn for IT fast growing! What a hell shit for email technology, SMS service, or even this damn friendster!!! They made the world quite little. We can still keep in touch even we are far apart. Imagine that the world is nothing but just like ten years ago, when long distance communication was still an expensive things. Maybe I can recover as quick as I open my eyes tomorrow.

Chuckled, I actually know what the best solution for me is. A New Queen. Sadly, I don’t find her yet. There’s no one who make me feel that I can fall in love again. Why? Because I don’t want to have this new queen just wash out my pain. What I looking for is the one with whom I can share the pain together. I mean that I will need her forever, as my best friend who will accompanying me untill I can’t move this body anymore. In a simpler word: a wife ^_^.

[*]

Well, if you think this post is the same as before, you’re wrong. I don’t talk about my broken heart. I just talk that struggle to heal the wounded heart is a hard work. Haha.. really.. it’s a hard work. It’s exhausting…

This is the first novel I read in its original English language form. I must become new member of Dan Brown fans club because as I completely read this novel, I have read all his novels such as the fenomenal The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, Digital Fortress and the last one is Deception Point. Because I read in English, so I should review this novel in English too. I promise it won’t be a spoiler.

Let’s start the review…

The main idea of this novel is political battle in USA’s President Election which met Senator Sedgewick Sexton versus current President Zach Herney. With such several political manuver, Sexton’s poll was increasing day by day and it seemed kick Zach Herney from White House as the election took place. What was Sexton’s attack? He said that current government was overspending in fund for their bureaus, especially for NASA. Too much money had been spent for more failed projects which NASA had been done. Sexton would cut this fund and turn them into more usefull program such as education, children fund, and also another social program. It sounds great champaign for the senator after everybody knows that Zach Herney was NASA addicted fans.

Of course the White House didn’t keep their silence facing this attack. Rachel Sexton, Sedgewick Sexton’s daughter was the NRO staff (one of USA bureau) that very close to White House related to her duties. Personally, President Herney met Rachel in his Air Force One airborne office. He tried to persuade Rachel in such beautifull way to support him in the election. He explained the reason why he spent much money for NASA. This was the start of the novel’s conflict. NASA had proven the EXTRATERRESTRIAL LIFE theory by finding a meteorite fallen in the Arctic which contained a bug fossil!

This proove was beleived would kick Sexton from the next election because Sexton’s smug about NASA cutting fund was take place. In an CNN debate which the White House sent their senior spokeswoman, Marjorie Tench, Sexton said that he would had eat his hat if NASA could prooved that there was extraterrestrial life in a place in this universe.

Is that true? is there really another life in this universe just like NASA claimed? This novel is very Dan Brown. Misteryous, highly detailed description, slow plot but suddendly growing fast with special shock in the end of the plot. Brown describe what actually happened behind the scene of the election’s battle. Black champaign, underground meeting, hidden camera for detecting any illegal affair, and so on. It described very well. And don’t missed this one: Delta Force Army envolvement. What did they do? They are in which side? President Herney, Senator Sexton, or even any other side that still kept in the dark?

Eventhough this novel is in English, I can feel the story just like I read any translated novel. You have to write this novel into your must-read-book-list. Yet I can’t score this novel, because I also don’t have finished this novel yet.

It’s end my dear man. Wish that this is the real end. Not really as i hope before, but it’s ok. I’ll pay the price. Wish tomorrow is a new day for me.

Even if this story which I’ve been writing here is almost reach its end, I’m not sure that it will be ending with happy ending or sad ending. Maybe it will be an endless story. But just let you know that the one who write this painfull writing in this blog is not actually his true feeling that he feels. He seems to pretend as many characters in the dramatic act he has made for himself. The true identity is unknown, even by himself too. It’s too complicated to describe what the identity is. Sometimes he acts as a brave man, sometimes he acts as the one who doesn’t need a woman at all, but sometimes he also cries, feels mellow-yellow more than girls can do. Somebody ever try to suggest, "be yourself, young man!". But he thinks that, the time doesn’t come yet to show his real identity and personality. Only few people know the truth, including the woman who makes him crazy just like this.

Well, I just get many things to learn in this long journey — growing with my never-come-true dream. I’ve just realized that I’ve spent 3,5 years useless time when I graduate from my campus and get my first degree (say what? yeah… you can say Bas.Kom or Sarjana Kompor!). One of them is: love is always destroy a sincere friendship. Once you want to make her to be yours, it’s your best bet though. Just prepare to lost her as your best friend. You said, "be my girl", "you are my sunshine, I can’t live without you at my side", "I can’t help feeling this way to love you", "I feel like I can be a hero that save the world because of you" or something bullshit sentences like that. There’s exactly no problem if she said yes and accept you. But what if she thinks that you are too good for her? And it will be better your you to continue the relationship only as friend?

Maybe this was my mistake. Why I had decided to express my real feeling to her 3,5 years ago? I didn’t know shit, but I just couldn’t help my feeling. Many things I did to maintain our friendship after her refusal. But… I just couldn’t pretend to myself that I could back to the time when I saw her as one of my best friend. No I couldn’t! I always see her as my queen of my heart and ignore the fact that actually I just play with my dream. No more than that! Even by the time flew, she much closer to me than before the time when I said "I love you" to her, but I always dream that it would be better if this happened without my feeling, my hope. I dreamt this relationship as clean as white paper, as clean as white snow falling in the winter time (I write this seem like I’ve known the snow :p). But I realized: It was just impossible.

But I’m never regret with my decision. I have to pay the price. I’ll never regret that I’ve been loving her so much even it only painfull dream. Because I’ve choosen her as the one who gave me pain. I’ve choosen her as my queen of my heart forever. I’ve choosen her as my first love. There’s no reason to hate her because of it. There’s also no reason to let me down in this blue.

I still have a lot of things to do.
I wanna fall in love again with another woman.

and finally..

I have to close this story and born in this world as my real personality. When will I do this? I still don’t know yet, the time will answer this question. You can see in my next posting. Just stay tuned… *halah..*

PS: Why did I write this blog in English? Just in order to make it difficult to read (you know how bad my English is). I wanted to express my emotion, especially my love story, but I also didn’t want to everybody know it. Does it sound contradictive? Yeah… just because of this contradiction I’ve written these posts in English. Enjoy yourself! ta..taa ^__^

Seuntai Bunga Tanda Cinta

Telah kuterima, suratmu… yang lama kuduga dahulu
Memang ku merasa diriku sangat hina
Pastilah kau akan menolakku

Selamat menempuh hidup baru dengan kasihmu
Aku relakan nasibku sudah begini
Terimalah seuntai bunga sebagai tanda kasih
Kasih yang suci, padamu sayang…

Usah risaukan diriku… anggaplah awan yang lalu
Memang seharusnya kutidak mencintaimu
yang kini tak henti menyiksa diri..

I know, I must sing this song someday, yet in her wedding ceremony or not. And maybe, if the situation just same as before, I’ll cry. It’s not about falling in love anymore but an obsession. Bad obsession though. But thanks God, at this time I have a chance to be getting out from this jail. Because of an missunderstanding (again), we just fight one more time. This time, I can see what actually my position is. This point of view makes me so lazy to fix the situation in order to make everything gets better.

Yeah, the situation never come back to right state just like before. Maybe she’s also give up with me. She’s showing a brand new her. We just talk each other not as brother and sister any more — it has a bad effect for me, I can stop loving her because of this — but we just like meet each other not so long time we have a friendship.

I hope this new state will make me get better. I hope I can immediately get out from the blue. And what I waiting for: I can fall in love again with another woman! Nice to meet your another side of you, Int!

My Love starts a new journey. its real journey, with no mask. What kind of mask? Yeah, something like romantic things, something like beautifull pain, something like nice things in conjunction with her, something like that. A journey about real life, when different person try to communicate each other.

Wait… I talk about this seem that I have a position in her. No, I don’t talk about her, I talk about myself. I realize that we have similar personality: high ego and very hot blood. It doesn’t have a good effect if fire versus fire. I can remember how many times we are fighting because of different point of view. And the last time is yesterday. I don’t know how easy she burnt out. For me, it was just joke. For her, it was very serious thing. And later, she replied. She attacked back. Something that very sensitive for me. Her reply made me did nothing: no effort to make the situation much better.

Love is blind, that’s true, but sooner or later, it will start its real journey without any masks. I think this is the best time to get away from her. I hope this can open my eyes: to look at my position, to look at the fact that actually even if we are together, it can’t be last more than 3 months. I hope there’s no condition which make us get closer again, later. It’s my chance to get out from this fu**in’ abyss.

Hopely this can open my eyes

Home Sweet Home, Tulungagung, July 3rd 2006

I’ve opened my connection through the net, checking my new mail in all of my mail boxes, and visiting my blog if there was something new. When I’ve been checking my friendster, there was a new friend request. Moving automatically, I get my finger tips clicking on the her profile’s link and read who she was actually. I was surprised when I see some of my writing copy-and-pasted there, and finally I knew that she also have commented on my friendster’s blog.

Well, I just wanna say to you, be brave. Use your logical mind as well as you can instead of your romantic mind. Think about your pain bravely, deeply, and clearly. I know, love is such a deeply pain. But, love is always your best bet though. You can loose everything because of it. I just wanna tell to you: wake up girl! quickly! Don’t be like me, I still could not out of the blue untill now because I "enjoy" that pain too long, so I fall in my deeply pain and it’s so difficult to get out of there.

I always beleive in this: there is always  a beautiful  tomorrow, there is always a new rising sun for us tomorrow. Don’t cry any more. Don’t ever follow my wrong way I’ve been passed.

Glad to see you, thanks for being my new friendster friend.